Lovino Vargas, Spy Extraordinaire
by Black.Rose.Authoress
Summary: Lovi's little sister is on a date. As a good older brother, he's keeping an eye on her. (Not stalking, shut up.) If only the Spanish waitress would quit distracting him. Gen!flip AU.


A/N: Hiii~ So this is a story I wrote quite a while ago as a Christmas gift for my friend. Generally I like to put a year between giving a gift fic to a friend and making it public because that way they get a chance to enjoy it. So it's been about that and now I'll share this with y'all! :D

This is a gen!bend human AU (but not in the Pleasantville!verse). Genderbent characters include N. Italy, Germany, and Spain. And we've got Spamano and Gerita.

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 **Lovino Vargas, Spy Extraordinaire**

His sister, Feliciana, had terrible taste in dates. It was something that Lovino had been telling her for _years_ now. To no avail, of course, because she never listened to him when it was really important.

She was stubborn, which many people seemed to find surprising. After all, Feli was the nice sibling, the one who was bubbly and outgoing and friendly-to-a-fault. The idea of her being at all difficult would seem laughable to anyone who only knew her superficially.

But Lovino knew. He knew how stubborn she could be when it came to matters of _romance_.

It was why he was currently sitting in this shitty restaurant—a fucking _German_ restaurant, just to make everything worse. The smell was enough to make him want to start gagging... The smell of sausages and potatoes and sauerkraut and whatever else Germans ate. He couldn't understand how in the world his sister had sunken so low.

And not only was he in a fucking German restaurant right, but he was also wearing a pair of track pants and a stupid T-shirt advertising coca-cola and he had a hideous baseball cap pulled low to hide his features.

The things he did to protect his idiotic sister.

She was currently facing away from him, not that she'd probably notice his presence even if she were staring straight at him, since all of _her_ attention was currently focused on her date.

Who looked like they weren't entirely sure how to feel about this.

Lovino had known that he shouldn't have acquiesced to Feli's request so easily. He should have known that it would lead to this. But it had sounded perfectly safe at the time. His sister had always wanted to meet other people like her...

The two of them had grown up in a small town in the middle of fucking nowhere, after all. It had been the type of place where people were pleasant enough, but only so long as you conformed to the norm. And that had been something that Feli had never been able to do. She'd attempted at various points in her life. She'd tried as hard as she possibly could to fit into the forcibly-assigned role of 'boy', but the subterfuge had been killing her, which wasn't something that Lovi was about to let happen.

He'd taken it upon himself to protect her, which he'd done by getting into more schoolyard brawls than he could possibly remember and by standing up to every authority figure that dared to make a comment. And then, eventually, he'd grown old enough to take her away from that small town.

So when she'd come in one day and told him about the transgender group that her counselor had told her about, where she could meet others in her same situation, he'd thought it sounded perfect. She loved people and was the type of person who blossomed when surrounded by friends. He'd figured that she'd be safe, too, even if he couldn't attend the usual meetings with her. Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on _this._

He hadn't expected her to meet someone and then go and fall in _love_ with them.

She'd burst into their shared apartment one day, all bouncy and heart-eyed. And had immediately started babbling on and on to him about _Lu._

'Lu just moved here, just like us!' she'd said, voice speeding along like a race car on a track. 'Ze saw the posters I made for the group and decided to come visit us—I told you it was a good idea to put those up! Ze's really shy and I can tell ze's really smart and definitely super super adorable!'

That had immediately set off a million warning bells in Lovino's mind, because Feliciana was the worst judge of character in the entire world. And Feli hadn't even been able to tell him much more about Lu when he continued grilling her. Not even Lu's age. She'd told him that Lu was agender, but just starting to really understand what that meant for zir, and that ze had an older brother. But that was _it._

Then he'd _met_ Lu, who was huge and had a scary stare and had apparently grown comfortable enough around his sister to think that it was okay to scold her.

Only _Lovino_ was allowed to scold his sister.

Fucking potato bastard.

He scowled over his menu as Feli giggled at something that Lu said, leaning forward in a way that was definitely going to give the bastard the wrong idea.

Lovi was so deeply engrossed in his angry thoughts that he didn't even notice the figure moving toward his table. Which led to him almost screeching like a terrified parakeet when an unexpected voice cheerfully asked, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

"Jesus. Fucking—!" He managed to cut himself off before he gained the attention of the two that he was...observing. Although he did earn a few stares that he immediately returned with a glare of his own. Mind your own fucking business.

"Sorry, sir!" The voice sounded so fucking cheerful that it made him want to punch someone. "You just looked like you were ready to order! My name's Antonia and I'll be your server today!"

Oh God. Lovino almost groaned and began to mentally prepare himself, because that sunshine-and-rainbows tone could only belong to an idiot. He lifted his head, ready to let her know just what he thought of her shitty timing and this equally shitty restaurant.

And then he stopped.

His first thought was that she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on, but that definitely couldn't be true. Because her smile was too big. It made her look like she actually _wanted_ to be waiting on him right now, which was stupid. And her figure—if she had a figure—was almost entirely hidden by her rather bland uniform, so that couldn't be it either. And normally he only went for girls with long hair; hers was short, dark, and was sticking out rather wildly like she'd been running her fingers through it and had forgotten to flatten it down again.

Maybe it was her eyes that had sent that obviously delusional thought through his overly-tired brain. They were green like the leaves of a healthy tomato plant. Or her skin, which was the colour that you could call 'sun-kissed' if you were the type of overly-romantic idiot who referred to skin as 'sun-kissed'. Or maybe he was just suffering from brain damage. That was probably more likely. He'd spent too long in this fucking _German_ restaurant.

Maybe that was why she was still smiling, apparently not minding that he hadn't responded to her yet. Her brain had been damaged by over-exposure to Germanness.

What had she even said?

"No, I'm not—" He remembered, almost too late, to keep his voice down and shot a nervous glance over at the other table. He needn't have worried. Feli was still completely oblivious and her date wasn't paying him any mind either. They were too busy staring at each other with disgusting love-struck goo goo eyes. Ugh.

The waitress obliviously continued speaking. "Hola, my name's Antonia! Can I get you some drinks first? We have a special going on right now..."

He blinked, something about her words sounded odd. It took him a minute to figure out what it was, though. "'Hola'? I thought this was supposed to be a German restaurant." Not that she looked even a little bit German. Which was a point in her favour.

"Oh," her eyes widened a bit like she was surprised by the remark. And Lovino definitely didn't think that made her look even more attractive. That would be stupid and another sign of German-induced brain damage. "Oops. Lo siento."

Again, not German.

"Just bring me a water." Feli was eating something—and hadn't stopped talking, which was gross and she should have grown out of years ago—and it probably tasted disgusting, but she was pretending to like it for the sake of her date. It was obvious that that was what she was doing.

"All right, I'll bring that right out for you, sir!"

And he really could not understand how in the world she managed to be so happy. She'd said that as if he'd just made her day by asking for a water.

Weirdo. He turned in his seat to watch her as she moved to another table and repeated her greeting, still smiling and acting decidedly non-German.

She had a nice ass, he noticed vaguely. Her uniform couldn't entirely obscure that detail.

And it took him a moment to realise that he'd been watching her for a weird amount of time, long enough for her to finish taking that table's order and begin walking toward the kitchen. He hurriedly spun around, feeling his face heat up in a way that made him want to punch someone.

"Hi, Lovi! What are you doing here? I thought you hated German food?"

Okay, and he'd almost pissed himself right there.

Feli had appeared, as if by magic, at the end of his table and was just standing there, hanging off of a rather embarrassed-looking Lu's arm and grinning like she _hadn't_ just discovered Lovino spying on her while she was on a date. How the hell had she managed to get over here without him noticing?

"I—" he had to think quickly. Think of something that would explain his presence. "I'm waiting for someone. I've got a date. So get lost."

And he immediately knew that that was a stupid thing to say.

Because Feli immediately squealed in excitement and released Lu just long enough to drop into the seat across from him. "Really? Oh, Lovi, that's so exciting! You haven't had a date in so long! I was starting to get worried about you. What's she like? Is she really pretty? Can I meet her? You have to let me meet her! _Please_?"

The reason why it was a stupid thing to say? Because Feliciana was _insanely_ nosy when it came to his romantic relationships. She always wanted to meet his dates as soon as possible and if he said 'no' she would give him the most heart-breaking puppy eyes and would mope around the house for days. And while he'd grown pretty immune to the pathetic eyes, the moping was just intolerable.

(Lovino was going to just ignore the inner voice that was currently going 'pot, meet kettle' because what the fuck did it know? He was _protecting_ his sister; he wasn't just spying on her dates for the hell of it.)

"Please let me meet her, Lovi? Please? Please?" She was squeezing her hands together as if in blasphemous prayer.

"No, you can't meet her."

"But why?"

Because it should be fucking obvious that he was lying. Had she even seen what he was wearing? Like Lovino Vargas would ever go on a date with a beautiful woman while wearing something like _this._

He was pretty sure that Lu had already figured out that he was lying through his teeth, as they were just standing there and looking increasingly uncomfortable. "Uh, Feliciana, maybe we should."

But Feli was having none of it. Her eyes widened in what he just _knew_ was a calculated innocence, because she was more diabolical than anyone would ever believe. "Wait, Lovi... Lovi, did she stand you up? Is that why I can't meet her?"

And no. Just fucking no.

Lovino didn't care that she'd just given him an obvious out. If he said yes, then she'd be sad and apologetic, but she'd definitely leave him alone. But there was no way that Lovi was going to say yes, because no fucking way was Lovino Vargas going to say that he'd been stood up.

"Of course she didn't fucking stand me up. Why the fuck would someone stand _me_ up?"

Feli clapped her hands. "So I _can_ meet her! What does she look like?"

Lovino was getting backed into a corner. She had to be doing this on purpose; she knew that he'd been spying on her and just wanted him to admit it. Lu was staring at him with those emotionless, icy blue eyes. Accusing him.

But he wasn't going to admit it. He wasn't going to give in.

Which was why he did something very stupid.

"Hola, sir! I brought your water. Are you ready to or—"

"Oh, there you are!" And Lovino had no idea what the fuck he was doing right now. He'd apparently just responded by instinct—and probably out of sheer panic—at the approach of the only attractive woman in this restaurant. The waitress had almost dropped his glass at his sudden shout and stared at him in confusion as he jumped up and took the glass out of her hands.

"You don't have to call me 'sir' even if you _are_ at work, Antonia. I've told you this before."

She blinked at him and opened her mouth to speak, but Lovi hurriedly cut her off before she could protest. "I'm just waiting for Antonia to get off work and then we're going to be heading out. So there, you met her. Now go away before she gets fired for wasting her time talking to us."

Feli looked more excited than she had any right to be, although this had at least seemed to mollify her. She grinned, "Okay, Lu and I'll go, then. Have a nice time on your date, Lovi!" and then skipped away, tugging the potato bastard—who was obviously the ultimate cause of this mess—behind her.

Leaving Lovino behind, standing next to an extremely confused waitress.

Oh God, what had he just done?

Most of the restaurant's patrons were staring at him with varying expression of surprise or disbelief or rather perverse amusement.

He hurriedly collapsed back into his seat and then allowed his head to fall against the table with a thump. Fuck.

"Um... So..." Antonia sounded like she had no idea what she should do right now. She hesitated, leading into a long moment of silence, during which Lovino considered whether it would be possible to commit seppuku with a butter knife. "Do... um..."

"Just get me whatever drink you've got that's most likely to send me straight into a fucking coma."

She didn't respond to that one, although he heard her walk away after a moment of hesitation.

He lifted his head after a few more moments and set about sending infuriated glares toward everyone who hadn't returned their attention to their own issues. It was fine. He'd gotten rid of Feliciana. He'd just apologise to the waitress for everything and it'd all be fine.

Except for the fact that the first thing she said to him when she walked back to the table was, "You know, you kind of look like a tomato right now!"

...What the fuck?

He turned to stare at her, bewildered. She was smiling again, just as brightly as she had been when she first came to take his order.

"My shift ends at seven," she remarked as she set his drink down in front of him. And then set a folded piece of paper down right beside it. "There's a new movie out at the theatre that I thought looked like it'd be really good." Her smile somehow managed to grow even more cheerful. "I'll be back in a few minutes to take your order, sir!"

And then she was gone again.

Leaving Lovino sitting there, staring at his drink with his brain at a dead halt. Then after a moment, it restarted.

 _Had she just...?_ He stared at the folded paper for a moment and then grabbed it with shaky fingers. The numbers inside had obviously been scribbled in haste, but he could still plainly read the phone number and then 'Antonia Carriedo' written underneath.

...What the fuck had just happened?

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A/N: Lovi is a fail. xD

I really have nothing else to say. Please review! Reviews are always appreciated! :D


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